Friday, February 11, 2011

bila emosi

-today is one of the days-

i really dnt knw why this sudden impulses full of negativity came out of nowhere and hit me on the head so hard that all my strength had become as shallow as it could right now
oh tuhan
sungguh harini terase sunyi yg teramat sgt
i tried to reach all my loved ones but this f@#$%^& line didnt permit any of tht
and yes, everyone seemed to be in their own peaceful happy world
xsampai hati nk kucar kacirkan keadaan dunia mereka yg tenang itu dgn asap kabus yg hny wujud dlm duniaku sendiri ni
how i wish sum1 out there would understand
i'm in so much pain and hurt
and sadly it might all came from my own stupid head
and of course my stupid fate
i really couldn't find any words to even describe it
i couldn't tell any1
nobody would understand
i tried to tell, i tried to explain
they read, they listen, they know
but no one care
no one understand

or maybe cause i didnt really tell anyone
or maybe i didnt tell anyone with the right miserable voice tone or pathetic sobs
u might think i'm being emotional or crazy
yes, i am being so emotional or crazy right now
but its really out of my control
sekuat-kuat manusia, akan ada hari bila rebah jugak

kesian kan
xde sape kisah
nak mintak kesian ke?
nk mintak org kisah?
tak jugak
ntah la...nasib baik ade blog itu melepaskan emosi merepek skrg ni
dh xtau nk ckp dgn sape baik ckp sorg2...
nanti ade mase delete balik entry ni bebile terase malu dgn dunia apsal aku pegi post kt blog pulak bende emo2 ni mcm nk menunjuk kegilaan tu i care...

the only person who knws my truly self is me
and only i could lift my mood again
only i could make myself strong as i was again

i should sleep
tido itu sgt2 membantu ketika stress
tp nk buat mcm mane, skrg xleh tido sgt2, otak mmg terlampau kusut, jantung rabak2, hati sayu, air mata berlinangan...mmglah xleh tido...
i'm all alone
and its hard to be alone in this world
life is too complicated for me
or is it that i am the only one who sees my world like this?

anyhow, i miss my mom so badly
heh, yerr...tadi dh xtau nk buat ape terus call my sis...malaysian time 12.30am...and i was crying all the way...menangis teruk-seteruk2nya...all i said was maybe i am being freaked out by all the stress for my upcoming exam this monday...yer, nervous breakdown...only that was a part of it, i couldnt afford to tell more...these past few days had been so emotional to me...and trust me i when i say that i didnt even know why...lets just blame the hormone...if it really is, whoaaa people i really am one of the messed up woman for having this super duper chaotic hormonal imbalance...i'm totally abnormal...~sigh~

i really miss mom
wish i could hug and kiss her
and lie down snuggling her
and make my own stupid manja sound
yes, i'm still that manja with my mom
and yes, mom will lovingly layan anak gadis dia ni
well, all anak2 dia actually
if one comes, the other will jealously jump on her too
aya rindu mummy
i miss my family
i wanna go home :(

after crying to my sis, she put me on the phone with mom...luckily mom hadnt gone to sleep yet jst of course i cried to her...more violently i shall say...huuuuuu~ sumpah i mintak maaf habis-habisan for everything...felt like i did a huge sin towards my parents hence this sumwhat burdening feelings came to me...its true...when u feel like there's no one out there care, family would be there for u...they're the only ones you could bother tanpa rasa bersalah in the middle of the night to hear ur freakin cry...every words u said, they'll care 100 times more...every tears u spilled, they'll feel talked calmly, to ease my feelings...thank u god, for giving me such a wonderful mom...who always be there for me...always pray for me...always think for my own good...
"dont worry alia...allah tu akan tolong jugak...kalau dia bagi musibah, nanti byk benda baik akan dtg...kalau dh usaha mesti boleh...i knw u can do it..."
oh mom...if i die today...i really would go with the feeling that i'm very much loved by u...kasih ibu tu mmg tiada does a mother would compare her own sickness as a sign that allah will give thousands of blessings for her fmly later on...she has this positiveness on accepting things...and of course i cried like hell just now...again i said i'll try my best, i couldnt afford to make her sad parents are my life...i would take thousands of bullets to die for them...tuhan, berkatilah hidup kedua ibubapaku...semoga aku jd anak yg solehah yg dpt membahagiakan hidup mereka, dan bukan utk menambah susah, sedih ataupun malu...ibubapa mesti la syg anak2 dorg...syg & gembira tu lain dpd syg tp sedih...i wnt them to love me, and proud & happy to have me as their daughter...*tears*

owh, harini sgt byk merepek
all i knw is that i miss my fmly so much
rindu sgt2
mom asked me to just focus on my exm
and then think of coming bck home
and see our newly renovated house
and plan what colour the curtains and mats should be
and she said "smile for mama please...i just wnt to see u smile, instead of crying..."
i miss u amma

*balik ni nk hug & kiss mom...and i wanna buy her some flowers*
ok bye
-going back to the real world-

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