study study study

true that

dreaming

angan-angan itu sungguh indah bukan

sayangnya ia bukan realiti

*sigh*

really wish it'd be

sudah2lah, xpayah nk mimpi2 lagi

buang mase je, xkan jadi pun

pegi celik2 kembali kt alam nyata

you're needed there

It's true

there're times when you feel extremely lonely

where no other presence matter

the only one that u missed the most is

ALLAH S.W.T

Astaghfirullahalazim 

ampunkanlah dosa-dosaku Ya Allah,

andai kejahilanku menjauhkan hatiku dariMu,

sungguh Ya Allah

hati terasa sunyi, sedih, sayu

diri bagaikan sendirian

hanya padaMu kusembah, dan padaMu kuminta pertolongan

berilah aku cahaya hidayahMu Ya Tuhan

kembalikanlah aku pada jalanMu Ya Tuhan

dekatkanlah diriku padaMu

kuatkanlah hatiku

amin

life is zero

kebelakangan ini

hidup betul2 terasa kosong

dunia berlalu mengikut lumrah

masa berjalan mcm biasa

nothing had changed

semua sama saja

pagi ptg malam

rutin harian, mingguan, bulanan

i have everything i need

but why am i still feeling at lost

i have everyone i need

but why am i still feeling lonely

maybe i should stop figuring out the reasons

i should stop whining about all this

keep it inside, be silent

and just live life, as what it is

life's always pathetically miserable, deal with it!

bosan la dok membebel bende2 same je...

ingat org kisah ke...diam sudah...

*emo balik*

this is how i feel...pening...dan penat kan...

depression is hitting me again

*sigh*

alone again

still

i'm feeling lonely

in the middle of millions

:(

alone

i'm so sad right now

and i got no one to talk to

:(

random

tiada benda dlm dunia ini adalah pasti

hanya Allah yg tahu

jangan bersedih, andai hatimu inginkan suatu yg tidak dapat

jangan bersedih, andai apa2 milikmu makin hilang dari pandangan

jangan bersedih, andai yg di kelilingmu penuh dgn kekosongan

hanya Allah yg tahu

mungkin itu adalah yg terbaik

mungkin juga kadang2 kamu memandang orang dan bukan dirimu sendiri

bersyukurlah dgn apa yg ada

mungkin itu yg selayak dirimu terima

be happy always, no matter what happens

you'd never know how many who wished they're in your shoe

drama oh drama

-NORA ELENA-

minggu ni a.k.a malam rabu aritu to be exact, after habis paediatric end posting exam, bru la i ader mase nk tgk nora elena...selama ni dok tgk org post2 psl citer ni...i felt kinda jealous sbb xdpt nk join demam NE beramai2...haha...so strt la tgk rabu lepas, tgk2 menjadi addicted bagaikan membaca novel (owh, i mmg hantu novel cinta...guling2 version okeyh) disebabkan terlalu taksub dgn citer tu, i dgn relanye terpakse skip morning class sbb nk tido...haha...slept at 6.30am tau x...punye nk tgk citer ni marathon...lepas satu terus smbung lagi...smgt...

comment cik alia about this drama : 

*jerit gedik2 smbil kuar kepak terbang2 and mata ader love2*

owh, da lame sgt xkene penangan kisah cinta melayu version "citer tipu2 yg sungguh menguji jiwa raga sehingga terbit segala kehepian dan kemurkaan atau kesayuan serta kekecutan hati" a.k.a novel...hohoho...benar...sudah lame xtgk citer smpai terjadi adegan malu2 kucing sehinggakan masuk dalam bantal seketika gara2 mengelakkan dpd terkantoi senyum sorg2...hohoho...kisah benar ini...

tgk dpd comment2 org, ramai yg dok gilakan seth tan tu...for now, including me...lol...demam setan...wohoooo...mengapa? meh nk bg 5 sebab dgn pantas dan random...haha...extreme...

1) beliau seorg yg kacak...huuuuu..dgn pandangan mata mcm elvis ala2 mata sayu membuatkan dia sungguh comel dan innocent...alalahai~

2) mempunyai body yg mildly tegap bagaikan bodyguard/bouncer...woohooo...nampak mcm kuat, siap boleh dukung2 bini...lol...kalau jln sebelah pun terase selamat je...yg penting, sedap dipeluk~ mcm teddy2...hahaha...

3) dier menjadi lovey dovey dgn elena sorg saje...owh, lelaki yg jual mahal dkt pompuan sgt tempting tau x...an exclusive guy...(seth ni, walaupun dier dok berkepit2 dgn yvonne, but xlayan2 sgt...mcm tu pun, though i dont like it, jadi la kan...ye ke? haha, citer je kot...nk buat drama...) maka kesimpulannya, lelaki yg kejar ko sorg tu la yg terbaik utk kamu wahai wanita2...try check tgk kot2 dier dok kejar few babes, skali ko yg suke so dier pilih ko...huuuuuu~ sadis~ ade ke mcm tu? siot je...haha...xdelah, kalau seorang lelaki itu seikhlas hati menyayangi dirimu wahai wanita, sungguh dia xkn pandang perempuan lain...buat ape pun fikir selalu...bertuah kan kalau dpt lelaki mcm ni...

4) he remembered what she loves...fresh flowers...and bought tht just to cheer her up...sweet sgt bukan...siap tolong masak...tolong jaga time sakit...dok risau penat pegi balik keje...mmg kene layan mcm tuan puteri...best sgt kot...being treated like a princess, by a prince...sometimes it's not really how much the things cost, but the fact tht he's trying his best tht counts so much...cair hati~ nk nangis terharu~

5) he tried his best to be a better man...a better muslim...cuba utk menjadi yg terbaik buat elena...ader org mempertikaikan psl citer ni, laki tu perogol and xsmyg and pernah minum arak semua, kecik2 dok kwn dgn budak2 jahat...bad guy habis...but still, pengajaran citer ni nk tunjuk la bahawa the present him is more important...mmg la ni sekadar cerita je, but sungguh sejuk hati kalau dpt lelaki yg makin soleh dan berilmu...dan bukannya yg makin terpesong dan tersesat..."everyone deserves second chance" sgt betul...

akan tetapi...byk juga part cerita ni yg tidak logik...hahaha...nk komen and komplen sat...

1) beliau adalah bekas perogol...anyway, pertama skali aku mmg anti dgn laki yg xtau nk hormat pompuan...zina and rogol dh tentu dosa, tu segi agama...but morally, raping a woman tu sgt extreme la...lelaki seharusnya mengorat2 la dulu, at least ayat2 la sikit, lovey dovey dulu, biar berlaku secara suka rela...kalau nk paksa2 ni, even tgh umur budak kecik skolah2 nk rape org mmg bukan alasan la...bukannye raba2, terus rape kot...teruk sgt la tu...kalau dpd kecik xreti nk tau jaga maruah pompuan...bile dh tua ape lagi kan...tipu giler la kalau nk turn up jadi soleh sweet mcm seth...i bet dpd kecik da gile rogol org, smpai ke tua nak cuba lagi bukan...kalau minah tu da pindah pi kampung lain, for sure ader pompuan lain akan jadi mangsa lepas tu...look around people...and u'll knw that this is true...btw, bab sejahat2 si amir yg last2 jadi inspector tu maybe betul...and tht's inspiring...but bab seth perogol ni, agak tidak logik di situ...

2) sebab kewangan pun ader...sungguh melebih2 watak lelaki ni...sememangnya xde wujud dlm dunia ni la...kene kerugian 2 juta pun relek je...hahaha, tipu giler...patut da menggelabah dh...risau2 cemane cope with that...yela, walaupun sbb nk selamatkan org lain...tapi xde la smpai xkisah kene rugi mcm tu skali kan...tapi mungkin jugak dlm percentage duit dier, 2 juta tu bagaikan 2% je...maka logiklah tidak runsing jika kehilangan sebanyak itu...then kononnye mamat single kacak mcm ni masih xde calon2 di keliling...single habis...mestilah ramai yg dok nk ngorat...ni balik2 muke yvonne je...bosan kot...ader company pun dok spend time dgn collegues je main bowling, mcm xde kawan lain...mane pegi ntah kawan cina yg dok ber"party" dulu skali dgn yvonne2...hilang dh...

3) si kaye mcm ni nk bertunang pun ajak driver je pegi jadi wakil...see, told u dia xde relative/kawan lain...arwah mak dier tu bukan melayu ke...mane hilang makcik pakcik sedara mara...mmg da lame sgt kot xbergaul dgn org melayu...duit hantaran boleh bg smpai rm50000 tapi kawen kt kampung secara koboi pun xpe xkisah...tipu tipu tipu!! haha...patutnye dier pun dok kalut nk buat wedding grand pulak...ajak kwn2 dier, business partner ke...paling kurang ajak kawan2 tu pegi wedding belah pompuan...ni ader less than 10 je yg pegi...mmg la ader buat party kt umah, but tu da lepas 6 bulan kot...lame sgt...xlogik la...cine bukan lagi meriah ke bab2 kawen ni...kot sbb kawen pakse kot, tht's why...haha

4) tipu sgtttttt jugakkkkk kalau dier cinta elena dpd kecik smpai tua ni...xdpt nk kwn dgn org lain sbb dok cari elena...firstly, he's a freak...sbb ade bilik "khas" hanya utk melampiaskan "kerinduan" terhadap elena...agak scary bile dgr bilik tu xde sape boleh masuk...sbb rupe2nye dlm bilik tu ader gmbr elena termasuk rantai elena yg pernah tercabut selepas die merogol elena dulu2...eeeeewwww, scary x? bila tgk keadaan dia time kt dlm bilik tu, i mean, kejap2 nk masuk bilik tu, dah kahwin pun nak jugak masuk bilik tu...medically, and psychologically...i'd say tht you're a major problem dude...nasib baik hang xpulak melenting kegilaan bila terkantoi dgn elena kan...kot2 la bile dh malu sgt pegi amok and hurt anyone who knows the secret...hohoho....terus tukar jadi drama seram...terus seth tan menjadi mimpi ngeri gadis2 di luar sane, xjadi nk angau...perogol + pembunuh bersiri...freaky weyyy...

5) tipu kalau ckp dier kejar elena sbb tahu elena la gadis yg dicintai...tipu tipu tipu...hanya sbb terlanggar kt cafe, bru dier nampak rupe2nye minah yg dier penah rogol dulu, bertukar dpd makcikminah kampung yg serabai pakai tudung berbaju kurung pakai spek nek beskal xde mekap, mungkin jugak hanya bau bedak johnson baby je,...berubah menjadi awek hot yg rmbut hitam panjang dan muka cantik sgt serta pakai baju sexy2, siap mekap lawa2, mungkin jugak berbau wangi dek semburan perfume sedap2...hahaha...logik x kalau i ckp dier dok kejar elena sbb tgk2 elena dah jadi culture shock sehingga berubah menjadi gadis bandar yg sgt lawa mencapai taste dier...woot wooooot~ haruslah timbul rasa bertanggungjawab utk dijadikan isteri kan...hahaha...so dier buat2 innocent nk hantar amik elena, siap send the fiancee' away for few times sbb nk curi mase spend time dgn elena...elele, ingat org xnampak ke...bile balik kampung nk hantar elena, nk amik ati mak bapak elena...and then cepat2 offer diri nk gantikan tmpt tunang tu...nampak sgt kot...haha...go for it dude! kejar jgn xkejar! haha

ok, tu je nk membebel...now nk smbung tgk lagi citer tu...2nd round...like i said...suke tapi xsuke punye cerita...apepun, i pun dok terbang2 jugak tgk citer ni...haha...dlm dok kutuk ckp xlogik bagai kan...hohoho...i suke ok citer ni...novel adaptation...nice~

(btw, td da download dh lagu2 ost nora elena, siap copy lyrics okeyh...hahaha...layan sgt la lagu dier...sedih je...tiba...tiba...kini kau da berubah, apakah salahku~ lalala~)

haha, nakal sgt kan...comel je...angau sgt~ lalala~

tibe2 aaron aziz menjadi lelaki idaman semalaya

detik hati

i came back for lunch today...as usual...drawed out some money from the atm machine...went to a grocery shop to top-up my phone, bought some mango lassi nyum2~ this would be my lunch for the day...heavy lunch isn't an option, i have to go back to the hosp for evening class...if i'm lucky, we'd be called to the operation theatre or labour theatre to observe any cases or delivery...owh, i'm in OBG department now...today's the second day...so much to learn, so much to see, but nothing much to do...everyone's busy...so observation is the best learning method for now...even the lecturers taught us by sitting in a group, either in the class at the hosp or even like just now, class was conducted in the changing room...haha...nice~ with everyone wearing the surgeon scrubs, comel sgt! haha...semua muka excited, first time dpt pakai scrub...lol...

anyway, right now...i tgh dok lipat baju, smbil dengar lagu...bertimbun2 baju xlipat lagi...with the monsoon season around, baju lambat sgt nk kering...tambah lagi kene posting and all, dont have much time to fold them...so now, terpakse gagahkan diri lipat baju (haha, mcm susah sgt je) actually today owner rumah nk dtg inspect the house...makcik tu garang...mcm emak2 kecoh with saree and sanggul...haha...like mothers...kene la layan elok2...xnk la increase her BP kan...xpasal2 dok stress...xnk cari pasal...jamu air nanti...rumah kemas, (baju pun tersimpan elok...xde la nampak bundles of clothes on my bed kan...lol) 

sedang melipat kain, tangan juga sempat lg browse2 internet, blog walking...and then i came across a blog of a young woman, with the same age of mine, a medical student also, was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she wrote about her experience for chemotherapy...it was very inspiring, her strong will to fight the disease is just amazing...its true that in order to overcome cancer, survival chances depend alot on the patient's positive thinking, the determination that will bring him/her to attend all the tiring treatment, to face all the difficult days, to handle enormous mixed feelings...

i doakan beliau tabah dan sabar utk lalui hari2 yg akan dtg...kesusahan itu dtg dari Allah, kesenangan itu pun dtg dari Allah...semoga Allah permudahkan jalan perjuangan beliau utk melawan penyakit itu...muda lagi, cantik, bijak pandai...sungguh, hidup ini mcm2 benda boleh berlaku...bila2 masa sahaja impian dan kebahagiaan akan ditarik...ujian hidup itu akan dtg berkali2, dgn berbagai2 cara...mungkin ini cara Allah menduga beliau, semoga keadaan ini dpt meningkatkan lagi keimanan beliau...semoga dosa terhapus, pahala kerana bersabar itu bertambah berganda2 lagi...amin...

btw, tadi pagi belajar Palliative Medicine...about how to handle a cancer patient...starting from breaking the news, responding to emotional patient, confidentiality...mcm2...dlm hati, i terfikir...sejauh mane pun seorang tu belajar, but it must be way difficult to handle for real...hrp2 dpt la jadi doktor yg boleh membantu pesakit2 dia...bantu bukan saja dari segi dok prescribe ubat je (ubt pun kene la bagi yg betul kan...), hopefully i can help them physically and emotionally...give support and help as much as i can...hopefully i'll see each patient as human beings, hopefully dpt bantu dorg sama mcm bantu keluarga or kawan2 sendiri...yes people, sometimes bila dah terlalu "biasa" sgt dgn situation tu, seseorang mungkin jadi lupa diri...kesakitan dan kematian itu mungkin boleh jadi perkara biasa sampai xtimbul dalam hati apa perasaan pesakit ataupun keluarga mereka...we might treat them as "just people" instead of a person with feelings...nauzubillah...jauhkanlah diriku dari berperasaan sebegitu...

klah, nk smbung lipat kain...sekian...hehe...

teringin

smlm tetibe mimpi pegi sini

tangkap2 gmbr

smbil mkn cotton candy....?

*sigh*

i really2 wanna go there

i'm already here in india

bila lagi nk tatap one of the wonders of the world

akan tetapi, dah xde org nk teman

tu la, cuti2 b4 asyik nk balik je

now sume org da pegi tgl aku sorg

nanti da balik malaysia, jgn hrp la nk dtg india lg kan

maka dgn itu da xde peluang dh

*mimpi jelah*kempunan sorg2*

post tanpa tujuan

   

skrg susah btl nk update blog...

xde mood...

malas...

xsempat...

not only my blog, semua bende tangguh2 je...

haihhhh, ape nk jadi alia...

dok buat ape setiap hari? random.

online x setiap hari? ye.

abis tu nape da lame xtulih2 cni? xde ilham.

tido pkl bpe? 12am.

study byk sgt ke? xjugak.

dok tgk movie dlm lappy ke? xjugak.

jadi dok buat ape? =.=' *xde jwpn*

feeling lifeless lately

btl2 xsbr nk balik malaysia

80 days!

Again...

the loneliness is haunting me...

...again...

who is to be blamed? no one

it's weird

u knw tht u're among millions here, yet u feel all alone...

it's weird

u knw u hv everyone around u, yet u feel none can be called

it's weird

u knw u hv so much in mind to burst out, yet no words came out

*depressive mode*

I'm coming home!!! :)

Today - Thursday
!!!EXAM IS FINALLY OVER!!!

(please pray for my success)

Tomorrow - Friday
Leaving Manipal by bus to the airport

Saturday

Flight to Malaysia

Sunday

WAAAAAAA~ Balik rumahhhhhh

(boleh guling2 dengan bahagianyeeeee)

nothing

everyone is happily back in malaysia

-but i'm still stucked here-

a relieved voice of mine

!!!EXAM IS FINALLY OVER!!!

My theory paper had just finished yesterday...Thanks to hundreds of loved ones out there who had been supporting me for all this while and pray for my success...Life isn't over with an episode of failure...Life goes on, happily...depends on how u take it...I admit that failing isn't that easy...only Allah knows how hard it was...u might lose everything, literally everything...but to see on the bright side, u'll find something new...the side that not all people could have the chance to see, but some how u had been fatefully forced into it...the opportunity that only u could have, the knowledge that only u could learn, the people that only u could meet...its not easy, but i could say here, its worth it & its not that bad...

to others, your failure might just be one of their sad news to hear...which would soon forgotten...but to u, this would be a big deal, you were crushed so badly that your entire life might need a huge change, even you yourself would become someone else ----> hopefully, the better you...

I might not been able to tell people out loud about this problem...well of course i took it personal...seriously personal...to have never been getting the F marks and walk around with a permanent F on ur forehead, of course i mourn and whine like a lot...and of course i'd feel like world isnt fair to me, how could god possibly punished me this way...and so on...and it took me few months to adjust and accept the fate that this is one of the ways to get through to make me better, for the future...like all the people who failed, my parents were enraged by it...i got scolded and god knows, they have never been mad at me in my whole life, until that day...and being an obedient child, i just kept my mouth shut and my eyes closed...i didn't even cry in front of them...

and then i learned something:

its so painfully unbearable to hear a person saying that its your own fault for your failure because you didn't even study and for the fact that you played alot, watched movies alot, facebooked alot, and got stupidly in love with some new guy, and got so carried away till you forgot about your exam, and you didn't remember god that much until you totally deserve to fail...and that person is your own parent...and its so much painful when the truth is you studied so crazily that you didn't have much time to sleep or go out having fun, for the whole month of study break, u only moved around back and forth between ur kitchen and bedroom...you missed a lot of the news from ur friends or even whatever happening back in malaysia because u were so into studying...its so painful when u failed even though u've tried ur best to even pass the exam...its more painful because u only failed by 1-2 marks from the passing line...and after doing a lot of blaming myself from not forcing my own ass to study a little bit more, if i did i might been able to get another 1-2 marks more that might change everything...i might be with all my friends and right now i'd be happily packing up my things to go back malaysia for good...but it didn't happen that way...talking about fate...takdir tuhan itu sgt misteri...i remembered people always say...kadang2 apa yg kita nak, bukanlah yg terbaik utk kita...kadang2 apa yg tuhan tetapkan, walaupun kita xsuka, tapi itulah yg terbaik...terimalah dgn hati yg terbuka...setiap yg terjadi ade hikmahnya...usaha, doa & tawakkal, selainnya tu ketentuan Allah...

i shall say that i'm happy now...skrg bru boleh nampak siapa yg betul2 kawan dalam susah senang...and siapa kwn utk bersenang saje...everyone will care for u, trust me...but not everyone loves u that much to support u, help u out when u fall down, to be there when u're alone...only true friends will...and of course your family...my parents might say those words because they were as scared as i was that time...if my life had been crushed, its more painful for them to see their beloved daughter who were growing up excellently since she was a baby, became like this...mom even cried so hard that i myself couldnt believe it that time...as if somebody died...but its true, parents are the only people who would feel double the pain when u fail...sape x sedih...they brought me up so well...i could recite a doa when i was 1 year old...i could read and speak so well without ckp pelat, since i was 3...i was the best in all my schools...sekolah rendah my marks had never been below 90...in my secondary schools, i was always one of the best...what a proud parents they were...anak yg sgt berdikari and xbyk masalah...an easy child...everything went on smoothly...if i were them, mestilah bangga jugak...then tibe2 dh amik medic ni, fail pulak...terkejut bkn kepalang la kan...

the day i had to returned here...my parents bought tickets to india at the airport...nak dtg cni utk tgk mcm mane i study...nk check anak dier dok main ke kt cni...they came a month later, only to found me studying like hell...dad were sleeping on my bed, while mom was watching hindi movies that time...and i was there to memorize all the drugs for the next day exam...i showed them my notes and books...and i showed them the amount i had to memorize...since that they became so understanding...even now i still have some nervous breakdown once in a while...to be honest, a few days ago...i cried so badly, saying sorry to mom and promised her i'd do my best to not disappoint her ever again...all she said "don't worry, ape nak jadi lepas ni xpelah, we'll figure it out later...mama tau alia dh cuba yg terbaik...kalau xboleh jugak maybe its not ur call...whatever happens, we're so proud of u"

the thing is...you're not dead when u failed...all u need to do is to get on ur feet first and make a plan b...allah tu maha penyayang...setiap yg terjadi ada hikmahnya, cuma lambat sikit la nk nampak apekah jenis hikmah disebaliknye tu...while waiting for that, adalah lebih baik kalau kita terima kenyataan dan berusaha lagi ke arah kebaikan...life isn't over yet...kalau satu jalan ditutup, pergilah jalan lain...teruskan berjalan...biar lambat, asal selamat sampai...mungkin jalan baru lebih penuh dgn buah-buahan & bunga2 yg wangi...biar sampai ke destinasi dgn senyuman... :) one step at a time...

now i know the feelings of others who failed...before this mcm xtahu sgt, seriously...i kept on telling them to continue studying, find other ways that suits u the best, and give more time for studying bla bla bla...i thought that was the ways to support a friend...what i missed the most was fate might be one of the factor...i forgot that we all worked hard...of course la, xde sape dlm dunia ni nak gagal...tp xde sape dlm dunia yg boleh tentukan nasib masing2...the outcome is still at the hand of Allah...terimalah ape2 yg terjadi, for its the best for u...trust me...

after coming back here, i had to undergo the special classes for repeaters...there were 7 of us for pharmacology subject...yup, sadly manipal here doesn't have this second exam kinda thing...once u failed, u need to wait for another 6 months to join ur juniors in their exam...now add that to my misery...penantian tu suatu penyiksaan bukan...hoho...tp xde sgt, sementara menanti i siap2kan diri semolek-moleknya...god knows i never had this kinda free time in my whole like since i entered school...dulu skolah2 slalu kene pegi kelas dpd pagi smpai ptg, then mlm buat homework, baca buku...blablabla...skrg ni kelas 3 kali seminggu...hell if i had a million in my bank i'd go travel every week and manjakan diri dgn shopping2...lol...mmg tersangat2 free...dah la pegi kelas open book test, jwb la few questions, then balik...sleepwaking to class...heheh...

but i didnt take it that way...dgn penuh rasa tanggungjwb, mestilah i balik pun study...mungkin dulu i studied for the sake of exams, yelah, with so little time, u don't really have much urge to dig into all the reasons behind the pills u were studying...dulu2 study demi exam, hafal & telan pastu bile exam muntah balik...skrg i study to become a doctor...now i could see pharmacology as an interesting subject...yelah, bile dh ada byk sgt masa, mestilah nk complicatedkan lagi keadaan...i suke bygkan konon2 ade pesakit dtg dgn symptom2 dier, then i kaji sesuai x nk bagi ikut umur, pekerjaan or penyakit lain dier...then bru bagi ubat...pastu explain kt dier konon2 pakcik/makcik, kene control dier, bile nk mkn ubt sume ni...call me crazy but its a really fun way to learn...others might laugh, seriously, i know that some people who are meant to take medicine would study all this and ace the subject easily...that explain why some people struggled so hard to pass a subject while there's a bunch who got even 90marks for the same paper...over and over again...heran betul, but its their call, good for them...kadang2 bila kita mmg sesuai dgn suatu ilmu, semua dpt diserap dgn baik...sgt2...i knw tht feeling...time2 skolah i dnt have to study much, i duduk hostel, kt kelas slalu mengantuk, balik asrama i tido paling awal...but i still managed to get high marks, and to tell the truth, i pun xtau mcm mane nk explain dh...i tried ajar org lain, bg tips, buat study groups...now i knw, that ilmu itu memilih jugak rupanya...certain people mmg terang hati sgt2...some people dont...mcm i skrg, medic ni i terase susah...bila tgk balik, xsusah pun...if its really ur call, then u'll feel so much at ease...kalau mcm i, dpd mula mmg xde hati pun nk amik medic...tapi dh ditakdirkan ke arah cni, i might as well work for it...mungkin susah sedikit utk i, tp still boleh capai...cuma lambat cket la...dont worry, i'll make this work in my own way...xpernah lagi ade budak medic yg dok berangan main dokter2 dgn her own teddy bear while memorizing drugs...i'd be the first...hopefully later on, i'd become a great doctor...i want to be a great doctor...bukan yg terkenal atau popular, tapi i nak jadi yg dapat membantu org lain, boleh layan kerenah pesakit dgn baik, explain kt dorg, kurangkan sakit dorg, happykan hati dorg...i want my patients to be healthy & happy...that's a true doctor right? :)

to those people who had failed, dont worry...hidup xselalu indah, tapi xjugak selalu ribut...jgn putus asa...take things positively and move on... :)

and yes, my ways of learning does work for me i guess...i've becomed so much better...mom said i even sound like a doctor already when she asked my advice on her meds...and exams seemed easier, alhamdullilah...kuasa allah...exam dulu i terase mcm nk jerit kesusahan...tp exam skrg i rase mcm nk menangis kesenangan...berkat doa all my loved ones...thank u so much...

gambar ni comel sgt, xtahan...haha...Fighting! :D

hope in 10 years time i'd be one of the best

-amin-

bila emosi

-today is one of the days-

i really dnt knw why this sudden impulses full of negativity came out of nowhere and hit me on the head so hard that all my strength had become as shallow as it could right now

oh tuhan

sungguh harini terase sunyi yg teramat sgt

i tried to reach all my loved ones but this f@#$%^& line didnt permit any of tht

and yes, everyone seemed to be in their own peaceful happy world

xsampai hati nk kucar kacirkan keadaan dunia mereka yg tenang itu dgn asap kabus yg hny wujud dlm duniaku sendiri ni

how i wish sum1 out there would understand

i'm in so much pain and hurt

and sadly it might all came from my own stupid head

and of course my stupid fate

i really couldn't find any words to even describe it

i couldn't tell any1

nobody would understand

i tried to tell, i tried to explain

they read, they listen, they know

but no one care

no one understand

or maybe cause i didnt really tell anyone

or maybe i didnt tell anyone with the right miserable voice tone or pathetic sobs

u might think i'm being emotional or crazy

yes, i am being so emotional or crazy right now

but its really out of my control

sekuat-kuat manusia, akan ada hari bila rebah jugak

kesian kan

xde sape kisah

nak mintak kesian ke?

nk mintak org kisah?

tak jugak

ntah la...nasib baik ade blog itu melepaskan emosi merepek skrg ni

dh xtau nk ckp dgn sape dh...so baik ckp sorg2...

nanti ade mase delete balik entry ni bebile terase malu dgn dunia apsal aku pegi post kt blog pulak bende emo2 ni mcm nk menunjuk kegilaan tu sgt...heh...like i care...

the only person who knws my truly self is me

and only i could lift my mood again

only i could make myself strong as i was again

i should sleep

tido itu sgt2 membantu ketika stress

tp nk buat mcm mane, skrg xleh tido sgt2, otak mmg terlampau kusut, jantung rabak2, hati sayu, air mata berlinangan...mmglah xleh tido...

i'm all alone

and its hard to be alone in this world

T_T

life is too complicated for me

or is it that i am the only one who sees my world like this?

anyhow, i miss my mom so badly

heh, yerr...tadi dh xtau nk buat ape terus call my sis...malaysian time 12.30am...and i was crying all the way...menangis teruk-seteruk2nya...all i said was maybe i am being freaked out by all the stress for my upcoming exam this monday...yer, nervous breakdown...only that was a part of it, i couldnt afford to tell more...these past few days had been so emotional to me...and trust me i when i say that i didnt even know why...lets just blame the hormone...if it really is, whoaaa people i really am one of the messed up woman for having this super duper chaotic hormonal imbalance...i'm totally abnormal...~sigh~

i really miss mom

wish i could hug and kiss her

and lie down snuggling her

and make my own stupid manja sound

yes, i'm still that manja with my mom

and yes, mom will lovingly layan anak gadis dia ni

well, all anak2 dia actually

if one comes, the other will jealously jump on her too

~sigh~

aya rindu mummy

i miss my family

i wanna go home :(

after crying to my sis, she put me on the phone with mom...luckily mom hadnt gone to sleep yet jst nw...so of course i cried to her...more violently i shall say...huuuuuu~ sumpah i mintak maaf habis-habisan for everything...felt like i did a huge sin towards my parents hence this sumwhat burdening feelings came to me...its true...when u feel like there's no one out there care, family would be there for u...they're the only ones you could bother tanpa rasa bersalah in the middle of the night to hear ur freakin cry...every words u said, they'll care 100 times more...every tears u spilled, they'll feel more...mom talked calmly, to ease my feelings...thank u god, for giving me such a wonderful mom...who always be there for me...always pray for me...always think for my own good...

"dont worry alia...allah tu akan tolong jugak...kalau dia bagi musibah, nanti byk benda baik akan dtg...kalau dh usaha mesti boleh...i knw u can do it..."

oh mom...if i die today...i really would go with the feeling that i'm very much loved by u...kasih ibu tu mmg tiada bandingan...how does a mother would compare her own sickness as a sign that allah will give thousands of blessings for her fmly later on...she has this positiveness on accepting things...and of course i cried like hell just now...again i said i'll try my best, i couldnt afford to make her sad again...my parents are my life...i would take thousands of bullets to die for them...tuhan, berkatilah hidup kedua ibubapaku...semoga aku jd anak yg solehah yg dpt membahagiakan hidup mereka, dan bukan utk menambah susah, sedih ataupun malu...ibubapa mesti la syg anak2 dorg...syg & gembira tu lain dpd syg tp sedih...i wnt them to love me, and proud & happy to have me as their daughter...*tears*

owh, harini sgt byk merepek

all i knw is that i miss my fmly so much

rindu sgt2

mom asked me to just focus on my exm

and then think of coming bck home

and see our newly renovated house

and plan what colour the curtains and mats should be

and she said "smile for mama please...i just wnt to see u smile, instead of crying..."

T_T

i miss u amma

*balik ni nk hug & kiss mom...and i wanna buy her some flowers*

ok bye

-going back to the real world-

EXAM MODE

oh oh oh!

perrghhhhhhh, dtg2 kt blog nih terus kabur dek sawang-sawangan...tangan pun terawang-awang menepis debu deban yg terbang2 membentuk kabus asap hitam...hooooo~ teruk sgt... (T_T) tp mmg da lme terase dok tgl blog ni...SEBULAN...betul kan? huhuhu...sorry people, selagi i dok study2 ni i rase sume bende bagaikan hangat2 tahi ayam (cewahhhh, da lame sgt teringin nk guna peribahasa neh...rase mcm da lme tgl bhs mlayu...hohoho...jentik cket...aishhhh, walopun i tercampak kt india ni, ktorg still ckp mlayu la...yg org utara masih pekat lagi dok ckp utara...dnt worry...heh...xdenye lupe...cume kebakuan bahasa itu agak hilang sedikit demi sedikit...lihat sahaja nukilanku ini...hahaha...terase sedikit segan jikalau ada adik2 di skolah yg taiko bahasa melayu melihat blog ini...apepun, abaikan saje...asai hang paham apa akak dok celoteh ni sudah la dikkkk ooiiiii...hahaha...ayat bersalah...lol) 

back to the story, selagi i dok study, exam pasti menyerang secara bertubi2 sehinggakan diri ini menjadi kebal tatkala menjawab soalan (nah hengkau ayat puitis...layankan saje...now mode nak berbahasa...sile berbudi...lol...rosak2..) seriously, skrg mcm dh lali sgt, xsempat nak berdebar pun...dah biase sgt, bosan mencuakkan diri...haha...apakah...justeru diriku bagaikan sleepwalking je ke dewan peperiksaan dan menjawab dgn steadynye menggunakan satu tangan...haha...ade ke org guna 2 tgn? hahaha...kot la dh nervous sgt kan...who knws? lol...anyway, mungkin bagus kan bile dh mcm ni...yela, awal2 dulu study bagaikan nak rak, takut sgt2 dgn exam...skrg.. fuhhhhh...hembusss jeee...lol...but its true...bile dh slalu exam, we'll be like constantly studying no matter what, always prepared...kalau ade serangan mengejut pun kami boleh (jwb soalan jela...lol...suh pegi perang betul2 jenuh gak kan...haha)...owh kalau sebut sleepwalking tu bukan la pegi dgn xde ape2 persediaan...of course we all study jugak, cuma xde la last minute kan...


i ingat lagi pada zaman dahulu i jenis yg slalu study last minute...siapa tidak suka? meh nk tgk muka cket...hahaha...i'd tell you...sepandai2 manusia belajar, akan ada masa di mana setan2 berdendang sakan di telinga dan hati supaye lagha akan bende2 keduniaan...ataupun mimpian (hahaha, ni bile setan hasut suh tido...) astaghfirullahalazimmm...kene cepat beristighfar, sedarkan diri, and kembali ke jalan asal...teruskan perjuangan study tuh...huuuuu~ belajar itu biar kerana allah...menuntut ilmu itu ibadat juga...yg baik2 moga dapat dipraktikkan di masa hadapan, utk tolong keluarga & bangsa...hmm, bukan niat nk susun ayat manis tp ni la hakikatnya...buat apa belajar tapi ilmu tu sia2...kalau buat sesuatu biar berfaedah & bermanfaat kpd semua...ingat mak ayah hantar belajar jauh2 sbb nak anak balik goyang kaki ke? mesti la nak anak nanti senang dpt keje, support mak ayah, tolong family...and of course tolong masyakarat keliling...jgn lupa tujuan asal belajar...duit kerajaan jgn membazir mcm tu je...study la, sbb tu tanggungjawab sbg student...gagal bile dah separa mati berusaha tu mungkin dugaan allah utk kuatkan diri kita....tapi gagal kalau diri sendiri yang sengaja xberusaha, nak buat mcm mane...menyesal xsudah kan...masa bertahun terbuang mcm tu je...hohohoh...cik alia dh start berletiaq...sorry people...xpasal2 kan...haha...ni bile mood dh dtg nak mengepost, mule la menaip sesuka jari kan...haha...


just remember, its never too late to change, towards the better you...no matter what you do, make sure you know that you're making the right decision, by doing the right things, in the right way...life is like a road, and you're a traveler...only that, once you've walked by a path, there's no turning back...it's all up to you whether to take the right or left once you've encountered a junction...and continue your journey, heads up high, chin lifted, and walk by confidently...for what its worth, you yourself know you're doing the right thing...if thing doesn't go the way you planned, don't worry...where there's a will, there's always a way...have faith...and move on...Someone said to me today..."Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it bcoz it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It won't last forever either." (^_*) 

haihhhh...i can just blabs around in another thousands of motivating words...but the truth is, i myself am not sure what lies ahead...life had been a damn roller-coaster for the past few years...i shall say i am leading a very peculiar life...ape yg pelik? biarlah rahsia...hohohoooooo...yg penting mmg pelik, tetapi penuh warna warni, penuh drama, ketawa & tangisan, suka duka...owh, i love growing up...hidup zaman kanak-kanak dahulu boleh dikatakan pink2 purple2...time skolah pula bagaikan robot, setiap hari benda yg sama dibuat, owh i am a nerd student in those days, all i think about was studying and getting good grades...hmm, mungkin sebab tu zaman sekolah bagaikan colour kelabu hitam putih...agak bosan...tibe2 dah abis spm, and yes, result maintain terbaik...skrg??? hidup sungguh warna warni!!! i learnt about so many things...growing up katekan...getting older is tough, but that's what makes life interesting and never dull...i'd rather be living in a life full of ups & downs rather than a monotonic wave...

ok, tu je bebelan arini...terpakse kembali ke alam nyata...huuuu~

bubye blog world...brb in a month...

please pray for my exam ok

(^_*)

xoxoxoxo

confession of an innocent heart 4

yes people, i'm bck frm the cave!!!

(owh wait, maybe not...i might still be in it...huhu...)

okay, i might have exaggerate a lil bit...not really avoiding anyone or anything...i am still here...minding my own business...malas nk jejak kaki kt sini, and malas nk tulis ape2...its been a while since i last blogged here...as what i always say after a-long-break-from-the-blog, SO MANY THINGS HAD HAPPENED...which i'm not in a mood to ever share here...dont ask, wont tell..all i can say is that mostly were dreadful rather than wonderful, which again add up to the freakin complicated world i already have...thank you life...for making me more & more miserable day by day and depressing than before...and of course, as always, i'm trying my best to cope with each and every misfortunes here...u know, the take things positively kinda way...somehow i really wish i have a special cave, just to stay and hibernate there until everything resolves itself...time heals, people say...well, maybe...pffft...jgn hrp la...now, better or worse, i'm just living with it...helplessly...konon2 pandang ke depan je...heh..

♠

i couldn't be more mad at anyone but myself

for being so hopeless & helpless

yes, for 22 years of living,

i regret my life all the way

every bits of it

the negatives really cancel out all the positives

the badness really erase the goodness

leaving me with nothing but darkness

♠

and i'm scared

to ever dream or hope

maybe i dont deserve any happiness

for what i've learnt,

those happy things are just temporary

enough for me to take a sweet peek on what happiness really is

and then the evil fate will take them all in a split second
shut all the doors off

again, leaving me with nothing but darkness

♠

i began to realize something
life is nothing but a play

and we're all just a bunch of dummies

foolishly blind folded with eventful dramas
just to distract us from the bitter truth

we're all just puppets in this world
waiting for the end to come
someday the drapes will shut
leaving us just like that
nothing else matters

i'm tired, i'm frustrated, and i give up

whatever happens tomorrow, 

i dont feel like i'm gonna give a damn

life's way better when you have no expectations

life's way better when you stop dreaming or believing

life's way better when you accept everything

life is never about you

never really yours

its not your call to make

its definitely out of your control
ok, tht's it
-i'm done fighting for myself-
its not worth it

♠

oh god, please forgive me

all my heart and soul

there might be a hell of a sin i had done

till i deserve all this

and the bitter confession:

hye people...this is a secret i've never told anyone, not even my family...i am alia and i'm suffering from depression...it began since few years back...i dont know...all i knw is that this feeling kept on haunting me from time to time...triggered by some sad memories i had back then, and till now, whenever there's something bad/sad happens, i'll be so depressed that it take time to get ahold of myself...here's what would happen...i'll be like all possessed, keeping myself from the world...i would reject every social contact, i'll avoid any conversations...distance myself from my beloved friends and family...isolate from public...god knows, i feel so guilty for that but i just cant help myself...and this would happen for days, weeks up to months...huhu...if only the cave really exist, i'd go there for sure...weeping & whining about my pathetic misery life...alone...there're times when you feel like being alone, though you're deeply lonely & wish someone is there by your side...there're times where you feel so worthless and insignificant, though you know other people around you values you so much...there're times when you feel so empty, though you know you have everything you possibly need...there're times when you felt still and left behind as the world around you kept on evolving, though you are unconsciously doing all the task or chores...sometimes, there're stupid voices in your head saying how miserable you are, and there would be another comforting voice on the other lobes, telling you that its gonna be okay...you know you're having depression too if suddenly or gradually, you start losing interest in things you once enjoyed, low self-esteem or maybe you just don’t laugh as much as you used to...life doesn't seem half glass full like you used to see it...all the things around you make you feel uneasy, nervous, anxious with constant battle within yourself, full of guilt, worry & fear...you have no enthusiasm, feel like doing nothing...if only you can sleep forever, and never wake up...maybe world is way better without you in it...so that life could stop harassing you...hehehe...and all other negative thoughts...and IT'S ALL NEGATIVE...

i'm just confused

sad and tired

still dealing, coping & struggling

everything's a mess

i'm so sorry to all

i know depression should be taken seriously, it's a form of mental illness...some neuronal imbalance in your brain...that's why we couldn't help it...some people may need help or medications...but not me...all i have is just a mild one...not really harmful...well, maybe i sometimes had wish i were dead, but still, i'm sober, rational & moderately religious enough to realize that its all in my freakin head, and i wont ever stupidly go for any suicidal attempt...but if u ever have think of it, and possibly hurt yourself, or anybody around you, please seek for help immediately ok...as for me, i'm doing fine, i just need some time to resolve on my own...just like i've said...time heals...i might look normal (and i swear i am normal...huuuu~), but god knows whatever massive battle i'm having deep inside...but hey, at least i'm still living my life...my ass is still off my bed, i still eat to live, and i still study for exams...thts good enough...i might have few breakdowns, but i'm dealing with it...i'm trying hard to get myself out of this...actually, it more like forcing myself out of it...i have to, right? if not me, then who else...huuu~

*end of confession*

xlarat nk tulis dah sbb penat & sakit kepala...
apsal ntah migrain makin menjadi2 lately...

maybe because:

parents are coming tomorrow

my upcoming exam this monday
not sure if i have class or not...i hate classes...
emotional probs u-knw-wut
social probs u-knw-wut
study probs u-knw-wut
blablabla
*dah kate kan dok tgh serabut*
dah la mls nk pk
huhuhu
-nite everyone-

one of the bad days 4

how pressured a medic student could be:

VERY EXTREMELY RIDICULOUSLY TREMENDOUSLY SEVERELY STRESSED & STRAINED TO THE MAX!!!!!!!and i mean it :(

the final exam will start next saturday, 14th august...one week to go...i'm getting stressed & stressed day by day...terase nk botak kepala, luruh segala rambut, kedut segala kulit, kecut segala otak...huhuhu...tension!!! if only i could stop the time...and sleep peacefully...i need to breathe, without having any stress, fear, anger or any negative feelings...huhuhu...

*if only im a time traveler, i nk pegi masa2 yg aman damai hepy riang gumbira...

*if only i anak raje, i'd stop studying and balik msia dgn hepynye, and bile ade mood nk study or exam bru dtg cni blk...yes yes, if only boleh study bile ade mood je...and not all the time...please god ease my burdens here!!!!!!

if only!!! bab ank raje tu yg paling appealing skrg...i need a break!!! xnk exam!!! huhuhu...i wonder if other students taking other major were studying like me...like us freaks...do u? :( ade x mane2 manusia yg study bile ade mood je? ade x yg xpayah sampai nk pakse2 diri study? ade x yg perasaan dorg relax je dpd mula course smpai la dh grad? ade x? :( nk nangis kejelesan bile pk psl ni...ade x? kalau ade, nk pegi tarik2 rmbut dorg smbil suruh bersyukur sgt2 xterjebak dlm kancah medic ni...gile wey~ gile~

skrg ni terase mcm askar nk pegi berperang...and somehow this saturday lebih krg mcm hari bertempur...berdebar setiap mase...terase mcm akan mati dek kene hentam bom & peluru bertubi2 nanti...im preparing my own weapons and protections too...but hey, maybe there're just some simple rifles & machineguns instead of freakin grenades or bazookas...jauh sekali ke tahap chemical weapons kan...wut do u expect huh...wish i could mug up all the things in the book...i wish my brain works like a supercomputer all the time...i wish...heh...

terase jugak mcm the only survivor in a zombieworld...or some planet of the mutants/aliens...tgu mase nk mati je...i'm so dead...terase nk serah diri, biar kene baham abis2...ambik jela aku zombie...malas nk pk...malas jugak nk lari...biar the end cepat2...huhuhu...xpun konon2 terkurung dalam rumah berhantu, yg hantu mmg giler nk makan org je...the ju-on versi cannibal...deym, i'd just let her suck my blood...dah xlarat nk terkejut2...or tgu dlm keadaan jantung nk tercabut...xlarat nk jerit, xlarat nk tahan jerit...

huhuhu...but its true...when u feared sumthing so much, kalau dah banyak kali sgt dok takut, and survive slalu, walaupun dgn hecticnye, lame2 bosan dh nk takut2 pun...and wuts more worse than that is u'd lose the fear and end up taking things for granted...u dont feel like fighting anymore...dh bosan...okay, i dont even knw wut i'm typing, tgh serabut giler ni...

i should stop

and get some sleep

*terase mcm nk gila la...seriously...i have this vague vision of me in an asylum...wearing all white...with the background song of Behind Blue Eyes...konon2 the gothika...ahahahah...ok dah2, merepek dh ni...

*another if only ----- if only im not afraid of failing...

*if only exam is just a simple matter to me...

*if only life is that easy :(

*maybe im not supposed to be here :( maybe...

*tido*