!!!EXAM IS FINALLY OVER!!!
My theory paper had just finished yesterday...Thanks to hundreds of loved ones out there who had been supporting me for all this while and pray for my success...Life isn't over with an episode of failure...Life goes on, happily...depends on how u take it...I admit that failing isn't that easy...only Allah knows how hard it was...u might lose everything, literally everything...but to see on the bright side, u'll find something new...the side that not all people could have the chance to see, but some how u had been fatefully forced into it...the opportunity that only u could have, the knowledge that only u could learn, the people that only u could meet...its not easy, but i could say here, its worth it & its not that bad...
to others, your failure might just be one of their sad news to hear...which would soon forgotten...but to u, this would be a big deal, you were crushed so badly that your entire life might need a huge change, even you yourself would become someone else ----> hopefully, the better you...
I might not been able to tell people out loud about this problem...well of course i took it personal...seriously personal...to have never been getting the F marks and walk around with a permanent F on ur forehead, of course i mourn and whine like a lot...and of course i'd feel like world isnt fair to me, how could god possibly punished me this way...and so on...and it took me few months to adjust and accept the fate that this is one of the ways to get through to make me better, for the future...like all the people who failed, my parents were enraged by it...i got scolded and god knows, they have never been mad at me in my whole life, until that day...and being an obedient child, i just kept my mouth shut and my eyes closed...i didn't even cry in front of them...
and then i learned something:
its so painfully unbearable to hear a person saying that its your own fault for your failure because you didn't even study and for the fact that you played alot, watched movies alot, facebooked alot, and got stupidly in love with some new guy, and got so carried away till you forgot about your exam, and you didn't remember god that much until you totally deserve to fail...and that person is your own parent...and its so much painful when the truth is you studied so crazily that you didn't have much time to sleep or go out having fun, for the whole month of study break, u only moved around back and forth between ur kitchen and bedroom...you missed a lot of the news from ur friends or even whatever happening back in malaysia because u were so into studying...its so painful when u failed even though u've tried ur best to even pass the exam...its more painful because u only failed by 1-2 marks from the passing line...and after doing a lot of blaming myself from not forcing my own ass to study a little bit more, if i did i might been able to get another 1-2 marks more that might change everything...i might be with all my friends and right now i'd be happily packing up my things to go back malaysia for good...but it didn't happen that way...talking about fate...takdir tuhan itu sgt misteri...i remembered people always say...kadang2 apa yg kita nak, bukanlah yg terbaik utk kita...kadang2 apa yg tuhan tetapkan, walaupun kita xsuka, tapi itulah yg terbaik...terimalah dgn hati yg terbuka...setiap yg terjadi ade hikmahnya...usaha, doa & tawakkal, selainnya tu ketentuan Allah...
i shall say that i'm happy now...skrg bru boleh nampak siapa yg betul2 kawan dalam susah senang...and siapa kwn utk bersenang saje...everyone will care for u, trust me...but not everyone loves u that much to support u, help u out when u fall down, to be there when u're alone...only true friends will...and of course your family...my parents might say those words because they were as scared as i was that time...if my life had been crushed, its more painful for them to see their beloved daughter who were growing up excellently since she was a baby, became like this...mom even cried so hard that i myself couldnt believe it that time...as if somebody died...but its true, parents are the only people who would feel double the pain when u fail...sape x sedih...they brought me up so well...i could recite a doa when i was 1 year old...i could read and speak so well without ckp pelat, since i was 3...i was the best in all my schools...sekolah rendah my marks had never been below 90...in my secondary schools, i was always one of the best...what a proud parents they were...anak yg sgt berdikari and xbyk masalah...an easy child...everything went on smoothly...if i were them, mestilah bangga jugak...then tibe2 dh amik medic ni, fail pulak...terkejut bkn kepalang la kan...
the day i had to returned here...my parents bought tickets to india at the airport...nak dtg cni utk tgk mcm mane i study...nk check anak dier dok main ke kt cni...they came a month later, only to found me studying like hell...dad were sleeping on my bed, while mom was watching hindi movies that time...and i was there to memorize all the drugs for the next day exam...i showed them my notes and books...and i showed them the amount i had to memorize...since that they became so understanding...even now i still have some nervous breakdown once in a while...to be honest, a few days ago...i cried so badly, saying sorry to mom and promised her i'd do my best to not disappoint her ever again...all she said "don't worry, ape nak jadi lepas ni xpelah, we'll figure it out later...mama tau alia dh cuba yg terbaik...kalau xboleh jugak maybe its not ur call...whatever happens, we're so proud of u"
the thing is...you're not dead when u failed...all u need to do is to get on ur feet first and make a plan b...allah tu maha penyayang...setiap yg terjadi ada hikmahnya, cuma lambat sikit la nk nampak apekah jenis hikmah disebaliknye tu...while waiting for that, adalah lebih baik kalau kita terima kenyataan dan berusaha lagi ke arah kebaikan...life isn't over yet...kalau satu jalan ditutup, pergilah jalan lain...teruskan berjalan...biar lambat, asal selamat sampai...mungkin jalan baru lebih penuh dgn buah-buahan & bunga2 yg wangi...biar sampai ke destinasi dgn senyuman... :) one step at a time...
now i know the feelings of others who failed...before this mcm xtahu sgt, seriously...i kept on telling them to continue studying, find other ways that suits u the best, and give more time for studying bla bla bla...i thought that was the ways to support a friend...what i missed the most was fate might be one of the factor...i forgot that we all worked hard...of course la, xde sape dlm dunia ni nak gagal...tp xde sape dlm dunia yg boleh tentukan nasib masing2...the outcome is still at the hand of Allah...terimalah ape2 yg terjadi, for its the best for u...trust me...
after coming back here, i had to undergo the special classes for repeaters...there were 7 of us for pharmacology subject...yup, sadly manipal here doesn't have this second exam kinda thing...once u failed, u need to wait for another 6 months to join ur juniors in their exam...now add that to my misery...penantian tu suatu penyiksaan bukan...hoho...tp xde sgt, sementara menanti i siap2kan diri semolek-moleknya...god knows i never had this kinda free time in my whole like since i entered school...dulu skolah2 slalu kene pegi kelas dpd pagi smpai ptg, then mlm buat homework, baca buku...blablabla...skrg ni kelas 3 kali seminggu...hell if i had a million in my bank i'd go travel every week and manjakan diri dgn shopping2...lol...mmg tersangat2 free...dah la pegi kelas open book test, jwb la few questions, then balik...sleepwaking to class...heheh...
but i didnt take it that way...dgn penuh rasa tanggungjwb, mestilah i balik pun study...mungkin dulu i studied for the sake of exams, yelah, with so little time, u don't really have much urge to dig into all the reasons behind the pills u were studying...dulu2 study demi exam, hafal & telan pastu bile exam muntah balik...skrg i study to become a doctor...now i could see pharmacology as an interesting subject...yelah, bile dh ada byk sgt masa, mestilah nk complicatedkan lagi keadaan...i suke bygkan konon2 ade pesakit dtg dgn symptom2 dier, then i kaji sesuai x nk bagi ikut umur, pekerjaan or penyakit lain dier...then bru bagi ubat...pastu explain kt dier konon2 pakcik/makcik, kene control dier, bile nk mkn ubt sume ni...call me crazy but its a really fun way to learn...others might laugh, seriously, i know that some people who are meant to take medicine would study all this and ace the subject easily...that explain why some people struggled so hard to pass a subject while there's a bunch who got even 90marks for the same paper...over and over again...heran betul, but its their call, good for them...kadang2 bila kita mmg sesuai dgn suatu ilmu, semua dpt diserap dgn baik...sgt2...i knw tht feeling...time2 skolah i dnt have to study much, i duduk hostel, kt kelas slalu mengantuk, balik asrama i tido paling awal...but i still managed to get high marks, and to tell the truth, i pun xtau mcm mane nk explain dh...i tried ajar org lain, bg tips, buat study groups...now i knw, that ilmu itu memilih jugak rupanya...certain people mmg terang hati sgt2...some people dont...mcm i skrg, medic ni i terase susah...bila tgk balik, xsusah pun...if its really ur call, then u'll feel so much at ease...kalau mcm i, dpd mula mmg xde hati pun nk amik medic...tapi dh ditakdirkan ke arah cni, i might as well work for it...mungkin susah sedikit utk i, tp still boleh capai...cuma lambat cket la...dont worry, i'll make this work in my own way...xpernah lagi ade budak medic yg dok berangan main dokter2 dgn her own teddy bear while memorizing drugs...i'd be the first...hopefully later on, i'd become a great doctor...i want to be a great doctor...bukan yg terkenal atau popular, tapi i nak jadi yg dapat membantu org lain, boleh layan kerenah pesakit dgn baik, explain kt dorg, kurangkan sakit dorg, happykan hati dorg...i want my patients to be healthy & happy...that's a true doctor right? :)
to those people who had failed, dont worry...hidup xselalu indah, tapi xjugak selalu ribut...jgn putus asa...take things positively and move on... :)
and yes, my ways of learning does work for me i guess...i've becomed so much better...mom said i even sound like a doctor already when she asked my advice on her meds...and exams seemed easier, alhamdullilah...kuasa allah...exam dulu i terase mcm nk jerit kesusahan...tp exam skrg i rase mcm nk menangis kesenangan...berkat doa all my loved ones...thank u so much...
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| gambar ni comel sgt, xtahan...haha...Fighting! :D |
hope in 10 years time i'd be one of the best
-amin-
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