confession of an innocent heart 4

yes people, i'm bck frm the cave!!!

(owh wait, maybe not...i might still be in it...huhu...)

okay, i might have exaggerate a lil bit...not really avoiding anyone or anything...i am still here...minding my own business...malas nk jejak kaki kt sini, and malas nk tulis ape2...its been a while since i last blogged here...as what i always say after a-long-break-from-the-blog, SO MANY THINGS HAD HAPPENED...which i'm not in a mood to ever share here...dont ask, wont tell..all i can say is that mostly were dreadful rather than wonderful, which again add up to the freakin complicated world i already have...thank you life...for making me more & more miserable day by day and depressing than before...and of course, as always, i'm trying my best to cope with each and every misfortunes here...u know, the take things positively kinda way...somehow i really wish i have a special cave, just to stay and hibernate there until everything resolves itself...time heals, people say...well, maybe...pffft...jgn hrp la...now, better or worse, i'm just living with it...helplessly...konon2 pandang ke depan je...heh..

♠

i couldn't be more mad at anyone but myself

for being so hopeless & helpless

yes, for 22 years of living,

i regret my life all the way

every bits of it

the negatives really cancel out all the positives

the badness really erase the goodness

leaving me with nothing but darkness

♠

and i'm scared

to ever dream or hope

maybe i dont deserve any happiness

for what i've learnt,

those happy things are just temporary

enough for me to take a sweet peek on what happiness really is

and then the evil fate will take them all in a split second
shut all the doors off

again, leaving me with nothing but darkness

♠

i began to realize something
life is nothing but a play

and we're all just a bunch of dummies

foolishly blind folded with eventful dramas
just to distract us from the bitter truth

we're all just puppets in this world
waiting for the end to come
someday the drapes will shut
leaving us just like that
nothing else matters

i'm tired, i'm frustrated, and i give up

whatever happens tomorrow, 

i dont feel like i'm gonna give a damn

life's way better when you have no expectations

life's way better when you stop dreaming or believing

life's way better when you accept everything

life is never about you

never really yours

its not your call to make

its definitely out of your control
ok, tht's it
-i'm done fighting for myself-
its not worth it

♠

oh god, please forgive me

all my heart and soul

there might be a hell of a sin i had done

till i deserve all this

and the bitter confession:

hye people...this is a secret i've never told anyone, not even my family...i am alia and i'm suffering from depression...it began since few years back...i dont know...all i knw is that this feeling kept on haunting me from time to time...triggered by some sad memories i had back then, and till now, whenever there's something bad/sad happens, i'll be so depressed that it take time to get ahold of myself...here's what would happen...i'll be like all possessed, keeping myself from the world...i would reject every social contact, i'll avoid any conversations...distance myself from my beloved friends and family...isolate from public...god knows, i feel so guilty for that but i just cant help myself...and this would happen for days, weeks up to months...huhu...if only the cave really exist, i'd go there for sure...weeping & whining about my pathetic misery life...alone...there're times when you feel like being alone, though you're deeply lonely & wish someone is there by your side...there're times where you feel so worthless and insignificant, though you know other people around you values you so much...there're times when you feel so empty, though you know you have everything you possibly need...there're times when you felt still and left behind as the world around you kept on evolving, though you are unconsciously doing all the task or chores...sometimes, there're stupid voices in your head saying how miserable you are, and there would be another comforting voice on the other lobes, telling you that its gonna be okay...you know you're having depression too if suddenly or gradually, you start losing interest in things you once enjoyed, low self-esteem or maybe you just don’t laugh as much as you used to...life doesn't seem half glass full like you used to see it...all the things around you make you feel uneasy, nervous, anxious with constant battle within yourself, full of guilt, worry & fear...you have no enthusiasm, feel like doing nothing...if only you can sleep forever, and never wake up...maybe world is way better without you in it...so that life could stop harassing you...hehehe...and all other negative thoughts...and IT'S ALL NEGATIVE...

i'm just confused

sad and tired

still dealing, coping & struggling

everything's a mess

i'm so sorry to all

i know depression should be taken seriously, it's a form of mental illness...some neuronal imbalance in your brain...that's why we couldn't help it...some people may need help or medications...but not me...all i have is just a mild one...not really harmful...well, maybe i sometimes had wish i were dead, but still, i'm sober, rational & moderately religious enough to realize that its all in my freakin head, and i wont ever stupidly go for any suicidal attempt...but if u ever have think of it, and possibly hurt yourself, or anybody around you, please seek for help immediately ok...as for me, i'm doing fine, i just need some time to resolve on my own...just like i've said...time heals...i might look normal (and i swear i am normal...huuuu~), but god knows whatever massive battle i'm having deep inside...but hey, at least i'm still living my life...my ass is still off my bed, i still eat to live, and i still study for exams...thts good enough...i might have few breakdowns, but i'm dealing with it...i'm trying hard to get myself out of this...actually, it more like forcing myself out of it...i have to, right? if not me, then who else...huuu~

*end of confession*

xlarat nk tulis dah sbb penat & sakit kepala...
apsal ntah migrain makin menjadi2 lately...

maybe because:

parents are coming tomorrow

my upcoming exam this monday
not sure if i have class or not...i hate classes...
emotional probs u-knw-wut
social probs u-knw-wut
study probs u-knw-wut
blablabla
*dah kate kan dok tgh serabut*
dah la mls nk pk
huhuhu
-nite everyone-